"live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you."

I wish I could say that I am always a happy person.  That would be a lie, and I guess for most people it would be.  I admire those who are good at being happy.  There have been times in my life when I have struggled immensely with anxiety and depression.  Often those periods can be credited to what Elder Holland says to be "depletion depression".  I am not very good at saying no to people.  I often pile on too much, because I feel that it's my responsibility to help others--forgetting that there are limits.  I am a perfectionist and often feel like a failure because I can not possibly perfect everything I attempt.  I admit to struggling to love myself, or sometimes to even like myself.  I experience times when I am overcome with all of my weaknesses-- as a daughter, a friend, an apartment manager, as a wife,  and as a mother .  I often wonder how Heavenly Father or any one else could possibly love me when I make so many mistakes.

During these times, I go through the motions of going to church and fulfilling callings.  My testimony is tried and I get caught up in ME--unintentionally, yet still true.  I get caught up in my imperfections, trials, and emotions.  Sometimes, I feel like it takes everything I have to think outside of my hardships.  I do my very best at taking care of those around me especially my little boy and my husband, but something is lacking.  

I know what is lacking.  I am reminded often of what I need to do.  My relationship with my Heavenly Father is strained.  I feel guilty because there is no reason for it to be strained other than my own lack of faith-- especially, my lack of faith in the atonement.  I fully trust the atonement works in other people's life, but I sometimes forget the power it can have for me personally.  At times, I lose sincerity in my prayers.  I find myself reading my scriptures less and less, even though I know it's what I need most.   

It is such a relief when the cycle is finally broken.  Sometimes it is broken because I finally submit on my own.  Most of the time, I am humbled because of a series of experiences which lead me where I need to be.  The later has been the case lately.  I can not possibly name each of the times lately when my heavenly father has tried to get through to me.  Many times I experience these simple nudges by the sweet actions of my husband and little boy.  There are other times when I am reminded of the good that I do when I get a little note from a tenant, or a simple thank you from a friend.  

I was recently called as a primary teacher and what a blessing that has been to me.  I can honestly say that each calling I have had has helped me find a greater capacity to love.  I have gained more love, not only for the children and women I work with, but also a greater love for the gospel and for my family.  I am still working on loving myself.  

While cleaning out boxes, Aaron and I came across many of my old journals.  We read many of the entries and it helped me remember a time when I had a strong relationship with my father in heaven.  I am grateful that I kept a record of that time.  It has helped me gain more of a desire to build that relationship again. It is amazing  how quickly the relationship grows once I start nourishing it.  

I had a wonderful relief society activity about scripture study on Wednesday.  It brought back an excitement for scripture study. I also enjoyed the relief society lesson today on prayer.  Each of these were reminders I needed.  

The other night I read Alma 34.  The whole chapter is wonderful, but this time the verses which hit hardest were 38-41.  Immediately after reading those verses I realized that sometimes my depression hits when I am not taking as much time to be grateful. I look forward to that day when we will be able to rest from our afflictions.  For now, I can do much better at bearing them patiently.  

The day after reading this passage Aaron and I experienced a pretty rough day.  We headed out to Zion's National Park, on what we thought would be a nice drive.  We started up the road and not even 10 minutes into the drive, we hit a sharp rock just off the road and blew a tire. Aaron put on the spare tire and we headed back to Cedar City.  Both of us were pretty disappointed.  We were relieved to find that the mechanic shop was opened and we had the tire fixed.  We each were wondering why this  happened, but agreed that we would head back out towards St. George.  We did the Cedar Breaks drive and then were headed on our way to St. George.  Aaron wanted to go another way to see where one of the roads went.  We got off of the freeway and suddenly we lost all power and the car died.  We were able to get it to the side of the road, each of us were astonished that we really could have all of this happen in one day.  We called Sabrina and Dave (Aaron's sister and her husband) to see if he'd be able to give us a tow. We had a road map and were sure there was a way back home without hitting the freeway.  We also called my dad so we could trouble shoot some things on the car.  We had no luck with getting the car to start.  When Sabrina and Dave came we tried for almost 3 hours to find a way through.  We finally decided to get the car somewhere safe and come back for it, because the battery was now dead as well.  Finally, we got home and found that there was no way through without getting on the freeway, so we called a tow truck.  Our car now sits at the mechanic's shop.  It was an eventful and pretty depressing day.  At the end of the day I read Alma 34 once again.

Aaron and I both agree that things could have been much worse.  This morning I once again realized that there are so many things to be grateful for, even in rough circumstances.   We have such amazing family members who are able to help us when we get in a bind.  We were all physically unharmed in each encounter, and at least the costs won't totally break our bank-- even if it's not ideal.  We were able to work through the challenge together and I know that no matter what comes our way, we'll be able to work through it with the lord's help.

I am feeling extremely blessed and in a much happier state than earlier this month.  I know that over time I can overcome some of my other struggles. I know I won't always have good days.  I will come to face some of my challenges and begin to feel comfortable with who I am.