Thursday, April 23, 2015

There are so many days when I feel like I am failing my family--days like today.

Today, like many days I awoke feeling sleep deprived, depressed, and overwhelmed.  I forced myself to get up anyway.  I made Aaron a green smoothie for breakfast before he left for work.  He didn't have any jeans clean that fit him, so I assured him that I would have some clean for him by lunch time.  I have to admit it was pretty hilarious watching him stretch the small pair out, trying really hard not to rip them. He tried to tell me that it was okay, but I already felt like I had fallen short.

Once Aaron was off to work, I attempted to climb back into bed to let my exhausted mind and body get a little more rest--until I heard Hyrum waking up.  I went in to get him and immediately he wanted me to read  him books.  I happily took the opportunity because it's much better than him dragging me off to watch T.V.  After reading one book 3 times in a row along with a few others,  I took him into my bed so I could shower.  I usually let him watch a movie while I shower to keep him out of trouble, but I was feeling guilty for how much T.V. he has been watching lately so I surrounded him with toys on my bed instead. He was being so stinking cute!  I hopped in the shower and after I was done, gathered him up to go downstairs.

I have really been having a hard time getting him to eat lately, so I caved to letting him watch T.V.  while he ate his breakfast.  I then realized I needed to get some apartment work done so I caved again and let him watch a movie while he played with toys.  I told myself I wouldn't let him watch the whole movie, but before I knew it the movie had ended.  Feeling even more like a failure I brought him in the office and let him color.  What started out with a toddler innocently coloring quickly became him acting up in attempts to get me to pay attention to him.  I kept telling myself, I just need to get a few more things done and then he will have my attention the rest of the afternoon.  So, I let him watch another really short show on the computer.

 Suddenly it was lunch time.  I hadn't even done my hair or makeup and Aaron was home for lunch.  I hadn't even thought this far.  Hyrum was throwing fit and I needed to figure something out for lunch before Aaron had to go back to work.  Because of my lack of energy and preparation I took it out on  Aaron a little, feeling even more guilty afterwards.  I quickly apologized giving excuses as to why I reacted, and then said that none of them were really excuses and that I was wrong.  He quickly forgave me, but I still felt silly for acting the way I did over mostly self inflicted stress.  For lunch we had something completely unhealthy and I found that I had given in to Hyrum again just to get him to eat, period.  Aaron was off to work again and Hyrum didn't want him to go.  I don't blame him, after all I wasn't doing much to be fun.  I was merely surviving the day.

After lunch I realized what a wreck the house was from my letting Hyrum on the loose.  He was getting tired, so as I attempted to clean he just followed me making messes.  I gave up, but at least it was somewhat improved.  I then quickly put on mascara and threw my hair in a bun.   I spent some time with Hyrum, reading and playing.  I attempted to get him to sleep, but quickly found that I didn't have the energy.  Some tenants came over and talked to me for a little bit and talked to Hyrum--the little flirt. When they left, I let Hyrum play outside for a little while.  I then let him help me clean the clubhouse since he loves it down there so much.  I was counting down the minutes until Aaron would be home.  My mind was frazzled, so frazzled that I locked the master keys in the utility closet when I had finished cleaning the clubhouse.  I meant to call Mckay to ask for his key, but became distracted by Hyrum throwing rocks into a window well.  I took him kicking and screaming into the house.  He settled down pretty fast, but quickly became mischievous and delirious because he was so tired.  He began dumping out every toy in the living room, but quite frankly I no longer cared.  I began making dinner-- I was at least going to do this much today.  After all,  I caved the day before to getting pizza. I heard the door unlock and Hyrum immediately turned from asking me to get him milk to leading Aaron around by the finger, showing him what he wanted.  Aaron was finally home!!!

We fed the family and watched as Hyrum threw everything on his tray on the floor.  Why should this ever surprise us?  He doesn't take us seriously when we say no, ever.  He thinks everything is a game.  I left the room to answer 3 calls in a row and overheard Aaron getting slightly frustrated because there is no way to get through to Hyrum and he was continuing to find things he could knock off the counter and throw.  I recalled something Aaron had said the day before, "It's a miracle that Heavenly Father continues to get us to want of these little munchkins for how much work they are."  We cuddled Hyrum and then rough housed a little with him because he just loves to wrestle with his dad.  Aaron went down stairs to get something, and I remembered that the keys were locked inside.  He HATES when I do things like this and I don't blame him. I HATE when I do it too-- although It has been quite a while since I have had any sort of key incident. He reacted extremely well and was so patient with me considering how annoying it was to wait to have it unlocked.

Then before I knew it Hyrum was asleep,  Aaron was downstairs getting some things taken care of for the apartments, and here I am writing this.  As I write this it is therapeutic.  I realize just how many blessings I experienced in this crazy day.  I haven't totally failed my family today, although I could have done better to turn to the Lord for strength. My family has been fed-- even if not every meal was totally healthy. We managed to say family prayer together. Hyrum is beginning to really catch on and love family prayer. We are each healthy-- I might not always feel totally sane, but we are physically healthy.  I have a child who may create havoc, but I HAVE A CHILD when so many others long for just this. I truly ache for many of my friends who long for a child, or have experienced losing a child. There were so many moments today when he has brought me so much joy and I really do cherish those moments.  I have a husband who is loving, kind, supportive, and forgiving.  He forgives me again, and again, and again for the same silly things.  I think of all of the people in my family who have been through divorce or losing a spouse and realize how blessed I was to have today with my husband. I should cherish him more. He is my world.

 I know that was using a lot of comparisons to other people's trials. It seems like this tends to be a common way that we relate our blessings.  For some strange reason there are times when other people's heartache  helps us recognize our blessings. I don't mean that in a sick and twisted sort of way.  I mean it in the sense that we all relate to heartache.  We all experience hard times.  There have been so many hard things in my life that I can recall.  I believe that it's not necessarily that we are comparing ourselves to others, but quite the opposite.  I think it's the compassion we feel from hearing of  other people's trials which motivates us to recognize our blessings.  The Lord has been so good to me.  My life is by no means perfect, but I love it.


0 comments:

Post a Comment